The Quality of Your Life is in the Quality of Your Relationships
A Broad View of Gender Differences: Women vs Men in this Conversation about Breasts
The following may help you as you navigate your relationships after getting a breast cancer diagnosis. Some of this is just plain weird because its all about your boobs, not something we normally talk about – and breasts are highly sexualized in our society.
Women
In general women will be more supportive of you than men just because they are women. However, because they are women too your diagnosis is also triggering for them on some level because the reality is – they could be next to be next to be diagnosed and they know it, so dealing with your diagnosis hits very close to home for them. Some women will be able to work through it with support from their own SO, family and friends, and some will not. Those who do not will distance themselves from you. Let them go.
Please know this is their coping mechanism and has nothing to do with YOU. Don’t take it personally and know they just aren’t capable of supporting you through this. That doesn’t make them bad people. Focus on the women in your life who are capable and want to support you. These women will show up for you: they answer when you call, they take you and pick you up from surgery, they bring you food and pick up your prescriptions when you can’t – those are your people (insert a smiley face emoji with heart eyes here)
Men
Same goes for your male friends except it’s usually a little weird and uncomfortable to discuss your breasts with men, depending on your relationship with them of course, because as mentioned above our breasts are sexualized so much in our society. The details of breast cancer surgery and reconstruction are very graphic and when you when you disclose that you have breast cancer – people, all of them, will automatically look at your breasts no matter how briefly. It just happens. Everyone does it. Men will become uncomfortable immediately upon realizing they have done that. When you see that on their face just tell them it’s ok, everyone does it and just keep talking – like it’s no big deal, because it isn’t in this situation, regardless of who that man is to you. Specific relationships with men are discussed below and tips on how to handle them are provided.
Your Supervisor & HR
The stage at which you are diagnosed with breast cancer will determine when you need to inform your boss and HR. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable sharing such a personal illness at work. However, breast cancer often requires significant time off for tests and treatments, making it necessary to inform your boss & HR.
Your Immediate Supervisor
This will likely be your first work disclosure. Keep it short and sweet – just the facts: share your diagnosis and explain that you’ll need time off for testing and treatment. Mention that you’ll be taking FMLA leave soon, although you don’t have the exact date yet. Inform them that you need time off before FMLA for more diagnostic tests to confirm the dates. Let them know you’ll notify HR after your meeting, or suggest calling HR together to discuss your upcoming need for FMLA leave. That’s it. Practice this to feel more comfortable. It’s okay if you cry – it’s a cancer diagnosis, and it’s devastating. Your boss understands this. It might be especially uncomfortable if your boss is a man, but you can do it. Keeping it short helps you get through it. Male bosses typically won’t ask many questions (because its about your breasts), which can be a relief. If your boss does ask more questions, just say you don’t know and ask if they need any further information about your time off. After they reply, no matter what they say, end the meeting and email anything further they said they need from you. Field further questions in the days to come with “I really don’t anything yet.” After a couple of time of getting that they will stop asking.
HR
Informing HR about your planned days off and FMLA leave helps you avoid attendance issues that could lead to termination. Proper planning can prevent potential problems.
Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA)
This law provides eligible employees with up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave per year. This leave can be used for these specific family and medical reasons:
- Birth and care of a newborn child
- Adoption or foster care placement
- Caring for an immediate family member (spouse, child, or parent) with a serious health condition
- Your own serious health condition that makes you unable to work
To be eligible, you must have worked for your employer for at least 12 months and 1,250 hours over the past 12 months. FMLA applies to public agencies, public and private schools, and companies with 50 or more employees within 75 miles
If your HR rep is a woman it will still be uncomfortable disclosing such personal information to likely a complete stranger (where as you personally know your boss) but less so than if your rep is a man. Same recommendations given above apply here.
Regardless of your HR rep’s gender, BCA advises caution in revealing too much information to HR. HR is there to protect the company and process your FMLA paperwork, not to help you during your crisis. The more personal information you share, the more problems it could cause. HR will likely ask for a diagnosis letter from your doctor with your leave dates—this is all they need to know.
BCA also cautions against confiding in co-workers unless you know them well outside of work and trust them completely. Many people like to gossip, and some may use your breast cancer against you to take your position. You don’t need that stress and drama right now. Keep disclosures brief and factual. Less is more when dealing with HR and co-worker
Note: If you’re facing an uncomfortable HR or supervisor situation at work due to your breast cancer diagnosis, BCA recommends seeking legal advice from a licensed Employment Attorney. For those in California, BCA Founder Roxann Abrams recommends BCA recommends all women facing breast cancer consult an experienced employment attorney. Contact your local bar association for a referral.
Co-Workers & Clients
Co-Workers
Your coworkers will wonder why you are taking so much time off. In reality it is none of their business, however, if you work for a small company or are close with your coworkers it might be better for all of you if you discuss your diagnosis with them.
Male
Male coworkers will be uncomfortable discussing breast cancer with you because its breasts and they are sexual in our society. Cancer any place non-sexual wouldn’t be a problem. But for them its weird because its work and you are a co-worker so expect a strained relationship from them. It’s no one’s fault here – its our society. Do you best to ignore the weirdness and act like its not sexual – because it’s not.
Female
Women co-workers are usually moe supportive because they could be next. However that is a double edged sword because since they could be next knowing a close woman with breast cancer is really off putting to a lot of women – and when that happens they will just avoid you all together and/or act like nothing has happened. If this occurs just go with it and know they cannot be supportive of you at this time and that is about them, not you, and refuse to take it personal or let it bother you. There are the right people in your live who can and want to be supportive of you.
Clients/Customers
This disclosure is sensitive because your future career may depend on maintaining these relationships while you’re undergoing treatment. Therefore, you might need to explain why you’re not at work or responding to calls and emails promptly.
BCA suggests consulting with a trusted business professional to create a brief but effective explanation. This should inform clients that you have a serious personal or medical issue requiring your full attention until you return, without divulging too much detail. Practice will help you feel comfortable and genuine about it. It’s empowering as well because you get to control the narrative. Again, less is more.
Your Significant Other
Male
Men tend to be less supportive of women when we get sick compared to how we support them. Depending on your partner’s relationship skills, commitment level, and the duration of your relationship, he might be very supportive or he might bail on you. The reality is you don’t know what he is going to do – so you have to be prepared for either outcome so you can focus on yourself. This is another reason having a strong support system is vital to your care – here it’s your mental health care. This is as important as your physical care in effectively quashing breast cancer.
Female
Women are generally more supportive however as mentioned earlier your breast cancer diagnosis is triggering to other women – your female partner could be one of them. She may pull away and not be able to be there for you. And again, the reality is you don’t know what she is going to do either. It is less likely that a female partner will bail on the relationship but it does happen – so you have to be prepared for either outcome also so you can protect your mental health.
Your support network of other people and BCA will be here for your if that happens. We got you!
What if you are Single?
This can be a blessing actually. You don’t have the stress & worry of being left and you don’t have unwanted advice from someone who may have no idea what this is like for you (a man) On the flip side you will have much less one-on-one emotional and practical support -transportation to & from doctors appointments & surgeries and physical help after surgery as well as help in dealing with treatment side effects.
Family Support
Keeping mind the differences between males and females general response to breast cancer and people’s relationship skill level your family will be a mix of supportive people and not so much. Those who seem out – just let them go – you have enough to deal with and don’t need to manage other adults. Embrace those who show up for you and show your appreciation for their support. Some people stick around for the long haul, some disappear as time goes on. Remember whether they show up for you – or not – is about them, not you. Don’t take it personally – build quality relationships with those who show up for you.
Friends
The same above regarding your family members goes for you friends – people are people no matter how you know them. In some very important aspects we are all the same and this is one of them. You may find that your friend group shows up for you in a way you never imagined – and some people will also show up for you that you never imagined – just like some that you thought would come through for you won’t.
Cherish those in your inner circle – those are the people where there is synchronization. THAT is real love. Be sure they know how much you appreciate them.
Everyone Else
Neighbors, acquaintances & strangers – tell them as little or as much as you want at any given moment. Your feelings with this will ebb and flow here, just go with it. You get to make all rules here with this group of people. You have nothing to lose and maybe everything to gain. Enjoy that!
And there is always
